


Ghostbusters AU

by LostLeviathan



Category: Homestuck, Pesterquest - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Canon-typical Cursing, Dialogue-Only, Fluff, Gen, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Sleepovers, The Pesterquest Sleepover, is it really an au if its a canon au?, not actually a ghostbusters au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-31 08:00:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21123182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostLeviathan/pseuds/LostLeviathan
Summary: After their first sleepover together, four kids who are no longer destined to play a game lay down to sleep. But before they can rest, John Egbert has a question he needs answered.





	Ghostbusters AU

**Author's Note:**

> this is the kinda shit that happens when you watch ghostbusters and read homestuck fics at the same time. be careful out there kids.

JOHN: okay, so i have been thinking.  
DAVE: wow i guess there really is a first time for everything  
JOHN: oh, fuck off!  
*THWACK*  
DAVE: what the fuck is this a sock  
DAVE: john tell me you did not just lob one of your nasty ass socks at me  
JOHN: :B  
ROSE: I thought we agreed it was time to go to sleep. Or was that secret code for "lets start a sock fight in the pitch dark while Rose is trapped in her sleeping bag so she can't retaliate."  
ROSE: Because if so then I'm afraid you've made a grave tactical error. This bag cannot contain me, and when I escape my vengeance will be swift and merciless.  
JADE: :D ive never been in a sock fight before! what are the rules?  
JOHN: what? no i just wanted dave to shut up. sorry but i think i am too tired for a sock fight tonight.  
DAVE: as much as i want revenge for this fucking heresy against the code of honorable combat  
DAVE: (everyone knows not to use chemical warfare in the dark john this goes against the geneva convention you fucking war criminal)  
DAVE: im also pretty burnt out  
ROSE: And I lied. This bag can contain me.  
JADE: awwwww :(  
JOHN: sorry jade. maybe we can do a sock fight tomorrow?  
DAVE: only if you dont use anymore dirty socks  
DAVE: i dont go into battle with war criminals  
ROSE: Now that that's settled, perhaps we could try to go to sleep before the sun makes its morning debut?  
JOHN: wait no i was trying to say something before dave fucked me up.  
JOHN: oh! i remember.  
JOHN: so now that we've all seen ghost busters i've been thinking.  
DAVE: oh goddamn it of course its a ghostbusters thing  
JADE: shhhhh i wanna hear this  
JOHN: so there's four ghost busters, right? and there's four of us!  
JOHN: so if we were the ghost busters, which ghost buster would we each be?  
DAVE: wow everytime i think you cant get any lamer you manage to surprise me  
JOHN: (i was wearing two socks, fuckface.)  
DAVE: (dont you fucking dare)  
JADE: hmmmmm i dont know, tonight was my first time seeing those movies so i dont think i really know the characters well enough to kin one of them  
DAVE: okay first of all no  
DAVE: youre not allowed to kin anything at all ever again you piece of shit furry especially not any of the fucking ghostbusters  
DAVE: fuck youre not even allowed to say the word kin ever again  
JADE: :P  
DAVE: second you dont have to know which one you are because i know which one you are  
DAVE: youre egon obviously  
JADE: the glasses guy? really? :?  
ROSE: I concur.   
ROSE: :?  
JOHN: actually, i think i get it.  
JOHN: it's cause he's the super smart inventor, and jade is also a super smart inventor.  
DAVE: exactly  
DAVE: see john knows his shit  
DAVE: after everything youve shown us in this place if you told me you invented a real proton pack id buy it in a heartbeat  
DAVE: youve invented so much awesome shit here youre like fuckin leonardo da vinci or albert einstien or snoop dog  
DAVE: egon is the smartest ghostbuster and youre the smartest one of us no contest  
ROSE: Ahem.  
DAVE: smartest with like technology and shit geez  
DAVE: sorry if i bruised your fucking ego  
DAVE: you need an ice pack for that  
DAVE: sorry but i dont think we carry any big enough  
DAVE: youll have to try the cvs down the street theyve got a section just for godzilla sized monstrosities  
ROSE: A section I'm sure youve become intimately familiar with after all our online sparring  
DAVE: anyway yeah youre egon  
JADE: i dont know, he seems like hes always so serious  
JOHN: he's not though! he's actually really funny and silly, it's just harder to notice, like that scene in ghost busters 2 when they're suiting up at the courthouse and-  
DAVE: and he goes "egon!" yeah john we all just watched the movie  
DAVE: anyway the point isnt that youre /exactly/ like your ghostbuster, more just which one is the closest.  
JOHN: plus you totally collect spores, molds, and fungi.  
JADE: hmmm okay then, i guess i can see it  
DAVE: okay whos next  
JOHN: me next! which one am-  
EVERYBODY: Ray  
JOHN: uh.  
JOHN: you guys sound pretty sure...  
DAVE: its pretty obvious  
JADE: yeah lol  
ROSE: It's really the only appropriate choice.  
JOHN: really? why?  
JADE: well hes the goofy one  
DAVE: the dopey one  
JADE: the silly one  
DAVE: the blowjob one  
ROSE: What our friends are trying to say is that Ray is what you would call the heart of the Ghostbusters just as you are the heart of our little friend group. The dopey mushy core that keeps us all together.  
JOHN: oh.  
JOHN: that's...  
JOHN: actually kind of sweet.  
JOHN: thanks you guys. :)  
JADE: yeah! plus ray was the one most excited about all the ghost stuff and youre the one most excited about ghostBUSTER stuff so it just sort of makes sense  
DAVE: (actually i just meant hed be the first one of us to say yes to a ghostjob)  
*THWACK*  
DAVE: first off fucking gross but secondly now youre out of ammo  
ROSE: Actually it turns out John isn't the only one who wishes you would shut the fuck up.  
DAVE: wait rose you didnt  
DAVE: you fucking traitor  
ROSE: I never declared a side, and therefore, have not betrayed anyone.  
DAVE: fuck you im taking my turn now  
ROSE: Oh, well in that case-  
DAVE: nah nah nah nah nah i got this  
DAVE: obviously im venkman  
JOHN: of course you’d say that.  
JADE: yeah obviously youre the most talky one  
ROSE: Oh, bullshit.  
JADE: :?  
JOHN: :?  
DAVE: B?  
ROSE: Perhaps that’s a bit harsh.  
ROSE: Look, in isolation I might agree that you share some surface level traits with Venkman (the most unsavory ones especially), but the point of this thought exercise is that we each correspond to a different Ghostbuster, and together we would comprise the complete unit of Ghostbusters.  
ROSE: And given those parameters you cannot be Venkman when obviously I am Venkman.  
JADE: (ooooo rose said “no doubles” lmao)  
DAVE: bad dog jade no kin bullshit  
DAVE: and how the fuck are you venkman??  
ROSE: Simple. We both study psychology. We’re both skeptics but are willing to believe anything with proper evidence. We both see opportunity in places our colleagues do not. We both have rapier esque wit and a mastery of sarcasm. And most importantly, I’m the only person in this room who deserves to make out with Sigourney Weaver.  
DAVE: ...  
JOHN: ...  
JADE: ...  
ROSE: ...  
DAVE: you know what  
DAVE: if youre willing to fucking bust down the door of the closet and hit us all with the fucking flashbang of your sexuality for this  
DAVE: you can have him  
JOHN: wait. rose, you’re gay?  
DAVE: obviously dude keep up  
DAVE: i mean i knew all along of course  
ROSE: Oh, of course.  
DAVE: glad to see youre finally getting out of that stuffy closet  
DAVE: must smell pretty rank in there after all that time you spent pretending it was someone else in there  
DAVE: all snuggled up cozy with the jackets and playboys you were hiding  
ROSE: Yes, I’m sure you’re quite familiar with the decor.   
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: damn thats the second time ive walk right into a “no you” comeback  
ROSE: You just keep making it so easy.  
JADE: so if im egon, john is ray, and rose is bill murray, that just leaves...  
DAVE: wait  
DAVE: no fuck no im not fucking winston  
JOHN: what? what’s wrong with winston?  
ROSE: Obviously Dave objects because he’s secretly a massive racist.  
DAVE: what dude no that doesnt even make any sense  
DAVE: i dont want to be winston cause winstons barely even a ghostbuster  
DAVE: hes just some guy they hired off the street doesnt even know the first thing about ghosts and slime and pk whatevers  
DAVE: hes barely in either movie too, hes basically just a filler character cause three white guys isnt impressive enough looking squad  
DAVE: fuck even eddie murphy didnt want to be winston and he was fucking pluto nash (yea john i know ghostbusters lore too, what about it)  
JOHN: how dare you slander winston zeddemore’s good name like this. i will not fucking stand for this-  
ROSE: Calm your tits, John. I’ve got this.  
ROSE: Dave.  
DAVE: rose  
ROSE: While it’s true that Winston isn’t the smartest Ghostbuster, or the funniest Ghostbuster, or even the most endearing Ghostbuster, consider this:  
ROSE: He’s the coolest Ghostbuster.  
ROSE: Those things you said about him being an outsider, about him not knowing the first thing about the science, about him only being there because it’s a steady paycheck.  
ROSE: That just makes him the least nerdy and lame one of them all.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: you know the funny thing is i know youre playing me  
DAVE: but youre right  
JOHN: yes!  
JADE: WOO! we got him! nice one rose!!  
ROSE: Thank you, thank you.  
JOHN: so that’s everyone. i’m ray stanz.  
ROSE: I’m Dr. Peter Venkman.  
JADE: and im egon...   
JADE: uh...  
JOHN: (spengler)  
JADE: egon spengler!  
DAVE: and im the token cool black guy  
DAVE: you happy john? can we go to sleep now?  
DAVE: or do we have to list out our favorite one-liners from both movies?   
JOHN: no, i am satisfied. you all now have my permission to sleep.  
DAVE: thank fuck  
JADE: goodnight you guys! again lol see you in the morning :)  
ROSE: Goodnight.   
DAVE: night  
JOHN: good night.  
JOHN: ...  
JOHN: ...  
JOHN: ...  
JOHN: we should totally be the ghost busters for halloween this year.  
*THWACK*  
DAVE: take your sock back and go the fuck to sleep john  


**Author's Note:**

> when i first finished homestuck i was super disappointed that there wasn't a single conversation that had all four beta kids. well now i know why: writing all these kids talking at once is hard as fuck. apologies if i didn't get their personalities quite right, this was my first time trying to write them. any concrit would be appreciated.
> 
> fun fact: i wrote this instead of starting a big multichapter ghostbusters au that i know i'd never finish, but i still think a "beta kids as ghostbusters" au would be awesome and if you want to write that yourself please i would love to read it.
> 
> actually you know what ghostbusters aus in general should be a thing. think about it, it's like those paranormal investigator aus except they can actually do something about the dang ghosts and demons. it's all just another day on the job and they're not being paid enough for this. imagine all the comedic and romantic potential. the star-crossed lovers of ghost and ghostbuster. that's a gold mine right there. thank you for coming to my ted talk.


End file.
